Domestic Violence: Not an OptionBy Kelly Scott
Many women suffer in abusive relationships. Their partners beat, threaten, and demean them. This constant bullying creates a sense of low self worth and ultimately wears a woman down into submission, resigned to her situation.
Whether these men inflict physical, mental, sexual or emotional abuse, their power holds these women in a state of fright and isolation. However abused women need to know they can find help through the proper authorities and get protection from their partner.
Heather, a 23-year-old single mom from Oakville has been working on forgetting her abusive relationship for the past five years. On March 20, 2006, when Heather was 18, she gave birth to her son, Bobby. His father was her abusive ex-boyfriend, let’s call him John. At the time of her pregnancy they had been together for a year and a half.
John would physically, mentally and emotionally abuse her, making Heather feel powerless and giving him the ability to manipulate her, hit her, threaten her, break her down and make her feel powerless to his influence. Heather suffered through all kinds of abuse, including physical, mental, and emotional abuse.
Women in abusive relationships are usually blind to it at first. Heather, just like many other women, wanted to believe that her man truly loved her and would be there until the end. Little did she know, he would eventually threaten her life and the life of their unborn child.
“The night I left (which was his brother’s wedding night) he called me all kinds of names, pushed me down the front concrete stairs and choked me in the front hallway,” she said.
Heather was only a few weeks pregnant at the time.
Esther Kane, practicing psychotherapist and author of Dump That Chump from British Columbia, explains that when women are pregnant they open their eyes to the abusive situation not just for themselves but for their child.
“What happens with women when they are pregnant is the mama bear instinct kicks in and she tends to leave then,” she says. ”The protector comes out in women and they realize you’ve done this to me but you won’t do this to my child.”
Those who suffer from abuse tend to block themselves off from the world because they don’t want to explain what they are going through or risk infuriating their abuser.
Women believe they are the cause of the abuse and they deserve it. They will say things like, “Oh well I talked back to him so I deserved to be hit” or “Well I should have known better than to push him.”
No! A man who genuinely loves a woman will never raise a hand to her. He will never demean her or make her feel worthless. Heather was like many women who believe the situation would change.
“I felt like it was my fault, that I could fix it, that he didn’t do and wasn’t doing anything wrong,” Heather says. “I felt he was pulling away and all I wanted was for him to love me again, to make me feel how I felt when I was first with him.”
Kane says that fear for safety can alter a woman’s thought process.
“A lot of women are literally scared for their lives and if they leave he will hurt them or the child, they are literally afraid of him,” Kane says. “They have been brainwashed most of the time [to think] that no one will ever want them. If he thinks and says she’s crazy, then she thinks she’s crazy.”
Abuse usually starts out as mental or emotional. The abuser forces the woman he is with to give up her friends and family and become solely dependent on him.
This is the first warning sign, if he doesn’t want you to have a life outside of him that is unhealthy.
Alexis Moore, Founder of Survivors in Action, works directly with abused victims and is an active worker in victim advocacy in El Dorado Hills, California.
Based on her experience one key factor in abuse cases are the varying elements of control.
“Financial control, physical control, mental control – the perpetrators of emotional and physical abuse are controlling,” she says.”
Warning signs are often there but the victim writes them off as “nothing” or when these actions are noticed by third parties, even family members, they say, if it is a male who is the abuser, that this is ‘what men do’…”
Some abusers only become this way when they consume alcohol or drugs but this is not an excuse for their behaviour.
“Being drunk or taking psychotic produced drugs, like cocaine, heroin, and crack can make it worse. It intensifies everything,” Kane says. “It compounds the problem, but there’s no excuse. The problem is there when they are sober but it gets worse if they add those [substances].”
Some men are just abusive by nature. Whether they were abused as children or they developed it in past relationships, an abuser can never be in complete control of his emotions because rage takes over.
“Research shows it’s a learned behaviour, it is not genetic,” Kane says. “Nine times out of 10 they learned from their fathers or the men in their lives. But they don’t have to continue being that way.”
Heather wants other women who are being abused to know what she went through and to encourage them to leave, while they still can. “It’s not okay if they’re only like that when drunk or high. Abuse is never okay. They won’t be better next time, there is no next time,” she says. “Pick up and move on! There are plenty of good men out there. Don’t waste time on the assholes.”
One emotion abused women all share is fear to leave their abuser. They feel trapped, controlled and sometimes useless.
“Every abuse victim is afraid. They are afraid of the abuser, afraid of people even law enforcement because they are not sure what is going to happen to them or their children, they are afraid of people they do not know,” Moore says.
“Those abused suffer emotionally. Many are told repeatedly how stupid they are; that nobody will hire them, that they are literally nothing therefore they lose their self worth.”
Heather was surprised by how much help she actually received from the people she had cut off for John. When she finally wanted to escape her abusive relationship, her loved ones were by her side.
“I couldn’t take anymore! We would fight so hard over stupid nonsense all the time and it would only stop if I “gave in.” Afterwards, my family and friends were there for me,” she says.
“It’s surprising to think about it, because at that time I didn’t feel like any of my friends would want to help me because I had been a bitch to them because of how he made me feel. The things he would say about my friends would then influence my opinion of them.”
Moore explained that even after escaping abusive relationships the abuser may stalk his victim, making the escape difficult to achieve.
“Escaping physically is often not the end,” she says. “Abusers tend to stalk in person and using the net, known as cyber stalking, therefore having as many people in your support network as possible is best.”
The truth is it’s hard for some women and they are afraid to reach out for help. They have abandoned their friends and family while staying in their toxic relationship.
But if women reach out to friends and family usually the support system will be there. However, those who support the woman escaping need to know she wants out and that they are not forcing her to leave, only to have her return to her abuser in the future.
Throughout the years, Moore has worked directly with Canadian agencies to ensure the safety of some of her abuse victim cases.
“Canada is doing much more with technology than the U.S.; the agencies there should be applauded,” Moore says.
“I have had to relocate victims of abuse from the states to Canada because they were at risk for death and being stalked by their abusers. Canada has been more progressive in this area than the states.”
Kane says there are important steps women should follow when planning to leave:
1. Figure out finances; 2. Seek legal counsel when children are involved; 3. Talk to friends and family who are safe and supportive; 4. Seek support groups and counseling; 5. Create an emergency plan: Have extra clothes and toiletries for self and children and phone numbers of people who will help. After the escape women are encouraged to talk to people who have experienced the same situations and seek professional help. The effects don’t always end once the abused leaves the situation; some continue to suffer physically from health complications that arise after leaving.
“A lot of women, they get sick, including fibromyalgia and other diseases, the body kind of deals with the trauma after,” Kane says. “A lot of women [suffer from] PSD, panic, anxiety, and nightmares after trauma.”
No matter what kind of abuse women endure, they must be aware that there are options. Whether it is counselling, moving to a shelter temporarily, or being with family and friends.
If you are in an abusive situation, here is a list of supportive agencies to help you make that move:
Assaulted Women’s Helpline is a safe place women can call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and speak to someone about their problems. The helpline can provide over-the-phone counselling, a listening ear or in-person counselling.
The GTA Helpline is (416) 863-0511, the Toll-Free number is 1-866-863-0511 or by text message at #SAFE (#7233). For more information visit their website at http://www.awhl.org.
Based on almost 49,000 calls from 2008-2009:
This helpline is specifically for the GTA and the statistics are only reflective of the GTA population.
There are other resources women can access including:
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