As the new year rolls in, we tend to focus on resolutions to improve our overall health. Gym memberships fly of the shelf, diet products sell out in response to turkey overload (how blessed we are to eat until we’re full!) and new programs to quit our not-so-healthy habits make headlines with stories of success. It really is an exciting time and I think everyone deserves and can benefit from the feeling of a fresh start!

While you’re making resolutions to live a better life and become a better version of yourself, be sure to take some time to look at your relationships. It only takes a few minutes, but thinking about your connections with friends, family, partners and co-workers can help you gain a new perspective on the ways in which you interact with others. Healthy relationships are of paramount importance to your own happiness and self-esteem and, so take some time to nourish them and take pride in those from the past, present and future.

I don’t usually write from a personal perspective, but I’m happy to share a few of my relationship resolutions for 2012. Please feel free to share yours as well. We can learn so much from one another!

1.  I will make more time for the people I love. 2011 was a dynamite year for my business, but I could have done a better job making friends and family a priority with phone calls, emails and get-togethers. Mea culpa! In 2012, I’m going to do a better job of this by scheduling time with loved ones the same way I schedule meetings and business engagements.

2.  I’m going to ditch the Blackberry. OK. Not literally! Resolutions have to be realistic in order to be attainable, so I’m not about to throw my cell phone in the lake. But I am going to make an effort to turn it off when I’m out for dinner with friends or visiting my family. There will always be extraordinary circumstances, but I want this rule to apply as a norm rather than an exception.

3.  I will set aside one day per week to spend time with my partner. With my travel schedule and his insane workload (not to mention my just-barely-healthy love of Ultimate Frisbee), we sometimes go for weeks without actually spending quality time together. This has to change. I’m going to cut back on my 11p.m, frisbee games so that we can go to bed together at night more than twice a week. He does a much better job of making me a priority despite working 14-hour days (and never complains), so I need to take a page out of his book in 2012.

4.  I’m going to be more romantic. I need to do more for my partner in terms of planning small surprises and organizing unexpected opportunities for fun and intimacy. After all, I’m a sexologist and should practice what I preach!

5.  I’m going to see the best in others. My mom taught me to do this from a really young age and I think I’m pretty good at it. But with stress, hectic schedules and other tidbits of life’s drama, it’s easy to get caught up in negativity. But everyone is full of goodness, so I don’t want to lose sight of this. This doesn’t mean that I will always be perfectly happy with everyone — sometimes it seems like people suck (and not in a good way). But really it’s just specific behaviours that suck, so I’ll do my best to look for the silver lining.

6.  I want to start (almost) every sentence and action from a place of love. Maybe it sounds a bit cheesy, but I want to consciously ask myself how I can move a relationship forward with everything I say and do. The more I do this, the easier it will become because practice makes perfect.

7.  I’m going to stop being so hard on myself. This is a tough one, but I have to build a healthy relationship with myself in order to cultivate happy relationships with others. And those of us who are hard on ourselves tend to also be tough on others. This means I have to accept that I will screw up sometimes. I will say things that are motivated by emotions other than love. I will have weeks when I don’t make enough time for my loved ones and I will have days when I’m more Blackberry-dependent than others. But it’s okay, because I’m human and I’m doing my best (most days).

8.  I will spread love in the big city! Not that kind of love! Get your head out of the gutter. I’m talking about small acts that make others happy. Holding a door (even if you have to wait a few seconds to do so), offering a seat on public transit, a friendly smile and a warm hello can go a long way to warm up a wintery urban centre. And every interaction, however brief, constitutes a relationship in my books. I often think to myself, “I should buy that secretary or concierge a coffee the next time I’m here”, but I don’t follow through and I’m not sure it’s always the thought that counts in this respect. In 2012, I will be more of a doer and less of a thinker. Thinking hurts my brain anyway. Kidding!

Wishing you a very happy and healthy 2012! You deserve it!

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health.Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

Our sex columnist, Stephen de Wit wants to hear  from you!

Want to have a voice and really say what you feel about sex?  Share your thoughts on this survey “What Women Want…Sexually Speaking” and be entered to win one of two Eco-Luxury Spa Gift Baskets valued at over $150.00 each. – http://bit.ly/uwFvww. It’s anonymous!

David Graham, Life Reporter, Toronto Star

DREAMSTIME PHOTO According to a new study, Canadians are masters at coming up with excuses to avoid having sex.

No sex please, we’re Canadian.

While it stands to reason that Canada’s cold climate would be enough to send us all back under the covers in search of a warm body, Canadians — compared to many other nationalities — are, well, using their beds for more sleep, not sex. Read more

By Stephen de Wit

Sex is something that is primordially unique and very specific to each and every one of us.  Even in the womb we are introduced to hormones that have an impact on how we sexually express ourselves today. Not to mention the sexual conditioning and socialization that occurs throughout our entire lives.  For most of us we are hardly aware of this.  Sex is something that is rarely spoken about, other than in certain circles at certain times in certain ways i.e. joking around with friends, talking about good sex or bad sex with a best friend, arguing about sex with a partner, talking about the purpose of sex (switching from recreation to procreation).  Rarely do we discuss the source of our sexuality.  It is something that has been ingrained in us since birth so we don’t even question it.  It is the way it is and nothing is going to change that.

I encourage you to take a look at your sexuality a little closer.  The way we think and feel about sex has been taught to us.  The influences of parents, friends, media, religion, past partners, porn, sex mis-education and sexual trauma have all shaped how we relate to sex.  In my studies one of the things that was an eye opener was the realization that even the sounds that we make while having sex is learned.  There was a study done of people who had been deaf from birth.  The sounds that they made during sex were recorded.  The sounds were described as “alien, eerie, other worldly” but were in fact “normal” these people had not been conditioned to express themselves vocally during sex like “hearing” people have.  Remember the restaurant scene in “When Harry Met Sally” anyone – http://bit.ly/gys4Qr.

So when we are all trying to cram into the box the things that have been dictated to us as “normal” and we are inherently all different and don’t fit the natural by-product of that …enter sexual dysfunction stage right.

I hear from anxious women all the time I have a sexual dysfunction,  I am not having the right orgasm (clitoral, vaginal, G spot), how come I can’t ejaculate, I can’t have an orgasm when having penetrative sex, I masturbate too much, it takes me forever to orgasm etc. etc. etc. My first response is “Great!  That sounds fantastic!”  This usually is met with an awkward silence.  The sexual bias that we all have that there is a right way for us to have sex, orgasm or just generally sexually express ourselves is debilitating.  The blind spot that we have developed prevents us from seeing the vast potential of sexual possibilities and diversity that is accessible.  We are so sure that there is something broken that we obsess over fixing it.

I encourage you to explore the vast frontier of sexual satisfaction without the pressure of fitting in, being normal rather than abnormal, being functional rather than dysfunctional.  These labels steal your power.  Rather than pursuing the futile search for that one right sexual system, a healthier approach would be to find what sexual customs best fits our own personal values and goals.

Remember when it comes to sex, there is no right way.  There is no wrong way.  There is just your way and it’s ok.

Want to explore and expand your sex life?  Want better sex?  Want more sex?…. Well don’t we all!  Stephen helps people do just that.  Stephen is a Sexologist completing his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and a Sexual Health Counsellor at Toronto’s Hassle Free Clinic.  His passion is helping people transform their sex lives. For more sex positive thoughts from Stephen he invites you to visit him at stephendewit.com.

The life of a sexologist is an exciting one! I know –hard to believe, right? And among the many fun and interesting projects I contribute to on a daily basis, hosting workshops on sexual pleasure is one of my favourite parts of the job. I love the energy, anticipation and insightful questions participants bring to the session and I always learn something new from each group.

Many people wonder what types of techniques we cover (and practice!) in a typical Blow His Mind Session, so I thought I’d share a few tips that may just keep him coming back for more.

Before we get started, we need to remember that no two men are the same (thank goodness!) and accordingly, no two penises, balls or prostates are identical in their sexual response. Even those men who know exactly what brings them to the height of ecstasy admit that their needs change over time. Mood, diet, time elapsed since last sexual encounter, stress, energy levels and a host of other factors influence what feels good during any sexual encounter. So the techniques outlined below are merely suggestions and certainly not a recipe for the perfect blow job. Play with them, have fun and ask your partner for feedback to find out what he loves and what he can do without.

Here are just a few tips to get you started:

• Consider massaging his thighs and lower abdomen and allowing your hands, chest, lips and breath to gently brush against his penis and balls before diving in. Resist the urge to grab right away!

• Use tons of lube. Your saliva is great, but it may not last as long as a water-based lube. If you want to simulate other types of penetration (vaginal, anal, etc.) using your mouth, you’ll need lots of lube to “trick” his dick.

• Tease his penis and balls with your tongue (no lip-contact) as you get him worked up. Try drawing a sensual “W” along the base or a “V’ against the head/glans.

• Rub lube all over your breasts (or another body part you love) and rub them all over his shaft until it’s soaked.

• The Harmonica: Run your lips and tongue up and down the underside of his penis while holding it flat against his lower abdomen with the pressure of your lips.

• Use your hands and fingers as an extension of your lips and mouth. You can elongate your mouth by creating an okay-sign with your super-lubed index finger and thumb and placing it in against your lips. As you move up and down the shaft of his penis, you should be able to move deeper and he shouldn’t be able to differentiate between your hands and mouth. Add more fingers as desired.

• Cock Ring: Form an okay sign with your index finger and thumb and squeeze tightly at the base of his penis and you tightly seal your lips around and move them slowly from base to tip. Draw several “S’s” with your tongue as you move up and down and rotate your head to apply varied pressure.

• Cover your upper teeth with your upper lip and cover your lower teeth with your tongue. This should give you a nice tight grip so you can suck away!

• Throat Kegels: Move your lips toward the base of his penis and when you reach your deepest point, swallow slowly and intensely several times. As you swallow, you can apply pulsing pressure to simulate or intensify orgasmic contractions.

• Don’t forget to use your lubed hands throughout the experience to play with his balls, thighs and perineum. The perineum is the space between his butt hole and scrotum and pressure on this area can stimulate the internal bulb of the penis as well as the prostate.

As he approaches orgasm, you might want to pay attention to the lower few inches of his shaft using constant pressure and rhythmic stroking and sucking. And don’t be afraid to get a bit loud and messy. Let him know that you like it and encourage him to give you feedback and show appreciation for all your hard, sexy work.

These are just a few techniques among an infinite number of pleasurable possibilities. What are your go-to moves?

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health.Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

Went out with an Irish guy I met at a bar. He was drunk when I met up with him downtown. He was rude to the bartender and didn’t tip. He kept telling me we could do whatever I wanted, but then he would say no to everything I suggested (let’s sit outside, let’s wait for the waitress to come by instead of ordering at the bar, let’s stay here and not bar hop on a Thursday night when I have to work the next day).

I ended up telling him I didn’t want to hang out with him any longer and left early. Then on my way home I get a text from him that says “Hey, I don’t think you’re my type, please don’t call me” WHAT A DICK!!!

Didn’t stop him from calling ME later that week and asking me about again. Huh???

Every year, 360,000 children watch as their mothers are abused and, in Canada, half of all women will experience at least one incident of physical or sexual violence in their lifetime.* The Canadian Women’s Foundation estimates that, on average, every six days, a Canadian woman is murdered by her intimate partner. Women’s shelters across Canada provide women and children affected by violence with the resources they need to escape abuse and to begin to rebuild their lives.

Given the statistics surrounding domestic violence, finding a safe haven, free from the abuser is paramount. Out of fear, or self-doubt, or both, it is often a struggle for women experiencing abuse to leave their relationships. “Abused women often feel alone,” says Shanan Spencer-Brown, executive director of the Royal LePage Shelter Foundation. “However, shelters provide a confidential source of support, a place of trust and hope, where women of similar circumstances can come together, share their stories, and relate to one another.”

Of course, the pathway to a new life is not complete once a woman and her children have found the courage to leave their abusive relationship. Shelter staff know that the emotional, psychological and physical effects of abuse do not disappear overnight. Therefore, most shelters offer services such as individual counseling, group counseling, parenting skills training, housing referral, employment services, and programs for children who have experienced or witnessed abuse.

Without generous donations from charitable organizations like the Royal LePage Shelter Foundation, which funds many programs and services offered through shelters, many women and children would go without help. Considering that nearly half of all women in Canada will be exposed to abuse, funding is critical.

More information is available online at www.royallepage.ca/shelter or at www.canadianwomen.org.

www.newscanada.com

*source: Canadian Women’s Foundation (www.canadianwomen.org)

By Stephen de Wit

“It’s a foot long, hard as a rock and will knock your socks off”  – the myth of the penis.  Men and women have come to expect so much from this organ that when it does not “perform” up to its expected proficiency there is great weeping and gnashing of teeth. Well maybe not weeping and gnashing but some serious anxiety usually results.

As an adolescent the issue is not getting it up but rather keeping it down.  Erections pop up at the most inopportune and inappropriate times.  Ask any guy you know and he has an embarrassing story or three to tell you.  It is like an over eager pet that constantly wants to play always nudging up against your leg.  It always wants to come out and play.  And don’t get me wrong, fun it will have.  The orgasms are intense, the force is explosive and the pressure is immense. And then a few minutes later it wants to play again.  If you don’t want to play, guess what it waits till you are asleep and then plays by itself.  I remember always feeling cheated that I had to clean up the mess but didn’t get to enjoy the fun.

But from adolescence on, never again will it be so willing to come out and play.  There is a tapering off of hardness, orgasmic intensity and the insistent need.

Into midlife men often notice an increased need of physical stimulation for an erection to occur and that erection may be more like the Leaning Tower of Pisa than the Eiffel Tower.  It may be easier to lose the hardness and once lost hardness may be more difficult to regain.  Ejaculation is less powerful and less copious.

So what does this mean?  It means that you are normal.  And when I say normal I mean “statistically normative” there will always be men who do not experience the above life cycle at the above rate or order.

The penis has been the center of man’s sexual universe since he was born.  What happens when it doesn’t respond the way it does.  For some men it feels like their universe is imploding and there is nothing that can be done.  However, just because the penis may become less efficient the penis and the rest of the body never lose their capacity to give and receive pleasure.  What you have now, or what you see in porn, may not be what you have forever.

So what is the solution? Learning, growing and understanding with your partner.  There may be a cause, certain medical conditions, alcohol, drugs and emotional factors can all impact the behaviour of the penis.  Do not make your man wrong.  I guarantee you he is going through enough internal turmoil himself.  Many people will turn to a pill to sort out their problems.  I would encourage you to explore the cause of the changes rather than treating the change itself.  Or ask the question what does his penis need or what is it not getting?

I have heard women talk about how sexy they are and how they take care of themselves and they don’t understand why their partner can’t get hard.  Please remember, it is not about you and as much as we try to pretend that we are sex machines we are really , frail and vulnerable, just like our penises.  And that’s the hard facts.

Remember when it comes to sex, there is no right way, there is no wrong way.  There is just your way and it’s ok.

Want to explore and expand your sex life?  Want better sex?  Want more sex?…. Well don’t we all!  Stephen helps people do just that.  Stephen is a sexologist completing his Doctorate of Human Sexuality and is a Sexual Health Counsellor at Toronto’s Hassle Free Clinic.  His passion is helping people transform their sex lives. For more sex positive thoughts from Stephen he invites you to visit him at badsexsucks.com

Can you eat your way to a better sex life?

Combining food with sex may sound too good to be true, but new research suggests that a little erotic nutrition may be just what the doctor ordered.

Don’t worry about shucking those oysters, as a Canadian review of 150 international studies found that a few simple spices may enhance sexual performance and satisfaction. Small amounts of saffron, the world’s most expensive spice, can be easily added to a healthy chicken curry or quick couscous dishes to improve overall sexual functioning.

Other spice rack staples like cloves, sage and nutmeg may also enhance sexual stimulation and they’re quite versatile working well with everything from healthy vegetables to rich and comforting mac n’ cheese dishes. Yum! And though the lab experiments with these three spices with rats have yet to be replicated in humans, I’m now beginning to understand why sage seems to fly off the shelves at my local grocer…somebody has been doing her research and stocking up for a rainy day!

For an oral approach to boosting your libido, you may also want to check out the muira palma plant and the maca root, which apparently help to increase desire in both men and women. Korean ginseng may also be worth a shot, as it is linked with helping to relax the smooth muscle tissue associated with erections and heightened sexual satisfaction.

If you’re looking to have a bit of fun with everyday foods, you may want to play with peppermints for their cool tingly sensation, whipped cream for the sake of its sweet, delicious mess and chocolate, which is associated with elevating your mood and improving blood flow. As if we need another excuse to eat chocolate.

But do beware of the hype and marketing around “natural” products: the finding that the traditional aphrodisiac Spanish fly (made from blister beetles) can be lethal is a reminder that “all-natural” is not necessarily synonymous with safe or healthy.

Until next time, here’s to happy and healthy eating in the name of great sex!

Dr. Jessica O’Reilly is a board-certified sexologist committed to helping clients enjoy healthy, pleasurable sex lives. She has completed her PhD in human sexuality with a focus on training teachers to deliver effective sex education. She loves her work (obviously!) and splits her time between public speaking engagements, freelance writing, program development and consulting in the field of sexual health. Learn more at www.jessicaoreilly.com

By Stephen de Wit

Let’s face it, bad sex sucks!  There are no two ways about it.  You know that awkward, uncomfortable feeling that comes over you afterwards.  You know it was bad.  Your partner knows it was bad, but you don’t want to say anything to offend your partner.  So you just pretend everything is normal. That is until you leave or they leave and then you replay it in your head and cringe, laugh or a combination of the two.

So why do we have bad sex?  The answer is at our fingertips.  We all have a sexual fingerprint.  What is that you may ask?  Just like our fingerprints on the pads of our fingers are unique identifiers (that is why the police take them when we have been bad),  our sexual fingerprint is our own unique sexual identity that is different from everyone on the planet.  So with each of your partners coming to the table (or the bedroom, or the floor, or the shower) with a unique sexual fingerprint you are bound to be incompatible with a few.

One’s sexual fingerprint can be made up of many different factors from how you were raised and taught about sex by your family, sexual education classes, religion, past experiences, past trauma, habits, norms, turn-ons, turn-offs, fetishes, books you read, movies you watch, products you buy, kinks, body image, head space, other things going on in the relationship and the list goes on and on.  When you meet someone for all those factors (or a majority) to line up can be a bit of a hit and miss.

But what about people who are in long-term relationships? People often speak about the sex going from phenomenal to failure.  There can be a number of reasons for this.  The most common are that initially you had the excitement and emotion tied up with sex and things were new and exploring together was an adventure, after a while that naturally tapers off.  Secondly, is that we evolve sexually, so what does it for you today may not do it for you in a year, or a month or a week or even tomorrow!  Now multiply that by two (or however many partners you have) and that can be a recipe for bad sex.

I was recently talking with a friend and she shared that when her and her partner first were together the sex was amazing and exciting and they explored and experimented and now the biggest turn on for her, the thing that would get her in the mood for hot sex, would be her partner doing the dishes.  This is just one example of how relationships evolve. To have or to maintain sexual compatibility with someone takes work.

Chances are if you have had sex you have had bad sex, and if you continue to have sex you will have bad sex again.  It doesn’t matter who you have sex with or how you choose to express yourself sexually, if you are gay, straight, lesbian, or bisexual we have all had bad sex and it sucks!  For more about bad sex I invite you to visit http://www.BadSexSucks.com read some stories, leave some stories and have a laugh or two.

Remember there is no right way.  There is no wrong way.  There is just your way and that is ok.

Rewire, reboot and resuscitate your sex life today! Are you looking for a man’s perspective? Email Stephen at stephendewit@lisaliving.ca. Stephen is a sexologist completing his Doctorate of Human Sexuality.  His passion is helping people transform their sex lives. For more sex positive thoughts from Stephen he invites you to visit him at www.badsexsucks.com.